Early in my journey toward recovery, when I saw in print, “Effect of abuse – Self-mutilation,” I thought of those secret “Cutters.” I pictured young teens sneaking behind closed doors with kitchen knives, anatomy class scalpels, and art department Xacto blades, compulsively slicing, slashing themselves for release. “That’s not me,” I egotistically thought, “I’m not doing anything that dramatic, I’m not hurting myself, it’s just a nervous habit.”
Even though I wasn’t cutting myself, I was still causing myself harm. And perhaps the reason it was so easy for me to imagine those teenagers was because I knew/know that feeling, like an itch that must be scratched, a need that if not fulfilled will cause my heart and head to burst in a fiery explosion, a feeling that some piece of my body did not belong and must be removed. In pulling the hair from the top of my head, I felt the tension and the release.
Even something as mundane as biting my nails I later realized was mutilation. Nail biting never stops at one bite, it’s never a clean cut, sometimes there is blood, an exposed nail bed, the splitting of the cuticles, and the compulsion.
Think about it, have you ever gone to bite your nail and then stopped yourself. That pesky fingernail and your two front teeth become magnetized, pulling toward each other, or maybe not. Maybe you can handle it. Maybe you just go about your day, sit in front of the TV, and get pulled into some mindless sitcom. But then the commercial comes on and where is your finger now? Your fingertip is sandwiched between your lips, your fingernail reduced to ground slivers, crushed by your molars and resting on your tongue.
It All Comes Down To Control
The hair pulling, the nail biting, they all come down to control. In my case, I had no control over my childhood environment but I could control what I did to my own body.
But for whatever reasons I stopped pulling my hair, I stopped biting my nails. There is one self-mutilation effect of abuse that I am still working on, to this day.
I Pick at the Skin Around My Nails
It’s not like this is tender, soft skin, no, this has been going on since childhood. This skin is calloused and in a constant state of flaking. It doesn’t hurt, in fact, as with the nail biting and even the hair pulling, peeling the skin from around my fingernails feels good. I get that feeling of release.
Recovery
I’ve been working on stopping this for a number of years and I’ve stopped picking at most of my fingers. I'm now down to 3 last fingers, my thumbs and my right pinky.
One Finger at a Time
At the time that I first decided to work on not picking at my fingers, working on them all at the same time was just too overwhelming. So I decided to work on only one finger at a time.
Trying Not to Bite Off More Than Can Be Chewed
Even though I decided to work on one finger at a time, I may have been trying to sabotage myself without realizing it. I chose my right index finger, the finger I picked at the most. It had been so damaged that the moon (lunala) of my nail was super exposed and the nail itself would grow thick and thin, thick and thin in inconcistant waves of thicknesses. As punny as it is, I really did feel like I had bit off more than I could chew. I kept backsliding, I was having a really hard time quitting. And because I wouldn’t pick a different finger to work on, it took me 2 years to quit picking at that finger.
Tape
In this early process I tried wrapping my fingertips in tape. Every time I looked at my fingers it reminded me of footage I had seen of a Michael Jackson concert. He had the same white bandage tape wrapped around his fingertips.
I think the tape helped. It did make it hard to get to the skin around my fingernails but it had one gross side effect; I got some type of fungus from all the moisture that couldn’t escape through the tape. Yuck! Once I took off the tape, no problem. My skin went from having a ring of red around my fingertips to a normal color by the next day. My skin did peel but by that time I was able to hold myself back from picking at it. After my finger healed, I felt like I had accomplished this big thing. I was proud of myself.
Breathing
When I started working on my next finger, my left pinky, I scrapped the tape idea. I decided when I felt the compulsion to pick at my pinky I would place each hand, palm down, on my lap. Then I would inhale deeply and exhale slowly until the need to pick passed. This worked well for me. It took me a lot less time to stop picking at my pinky, it took a matter of months rather than 2 years.
Singing a Song That Brings a Smile
Once I moved on to my next finger I added to my breathing technique. If I was having a hard time and breathing deeply just wasn’t doing the trick I would, in my head or out loud, breathe and sing the cheesiest song I could think of. It is really hard not to smile when singing, “My little buttercup has the sweetest smile…” And somehow the smile is usually foolproof. Smiling seems to relieve any tension that I tend to hold in my chest.
Taking a Break When Needed
About six months ago I tried working on my right thumb. Unfortunately I had a number of stressful occurrences that made it too hard to concentrate on NOT picking at my fingers. So, without beating myself up over it, I put it on hold until I felt ready again.
Cold Turkey
Now that I feel ready to get back on that non-picking horse, I’ve decided to try quitting cold turkey on the last 3 fingers. The one problem I had in taking it one finger at a time is that the fingers I wasn’t working on at the time really suffered the brunt of the picking. And I’m done with the picking. All the recovery I’ve worked on has given me some tools to work with and I just don’t need to pick at my fingers anymore.
I’ve been working on my last fingers for the past two weeks and so far, so good. It is hard but I’m trying to remember to breathe and sing about my little Buttercup. She has the sweetest smile and the most perfect fingers (I know, that was cheesy).
Recovery
I’ve been working on stopping this for a number of years and I’ve stopped picking at most of my fingers. I'm now down to 3 last fingers, my thumbs and my right pinky.
One Finger at a Time
At the time that I first decided to work on not picking at my fingers, working on them all at the same time was just too overwhelming. So I decided to work on only one finger at a time.
Trying Not to Bite Off More Than Can Be Chewed
Even though I decided to work on one finger at a time, I may have been trying to sabotage myself without realizing it. I chose my right index finger, the finger I picked at the most. It had been so damaged that the moon (lunala) of my nail was super exposed and the nail itself would grow thick and thin, thick and thin in inconcistant waves of thicknesses. As punny as it is, I really did feel like I had bit off more than I could chew. I kept backsliding, I was having a really hard time quitting. And because I wouldn’t pick a different finger to work on, it took me 2 years to quit picking at that finger.
Tape
In this early process I tried wrapping my fingertips in tape. Every time I looked at my fingers it reminded me of footage I had seen of a Michael Jackson concert. He had the same white bandage tape wrapped around his fingertips.
I think the tape helped. It did make it hard to get to the skin around my fingernails but it had one gross side effect; I got some type of fungus from all the moisture that couldn’t escape through the tape. Yuck! Once I took off the tape, no problem. My skin went from having a ring of red around my fingertips to a normal color by the next day. My skin did peel but by that time I was able to hold myself back from picking at it. After my finger healed, I felt like I had accomplished this big thing. I was proud of myself.
Breathing
When I started working on my next finger, my left pinky, I scrapped the tape idea. I decided when I felt the compulsion to pick at my pinky I would place each hand, palm down, on my lap. Then I would inhale deeply and exhale slowly until the need to pick passed. This worked well for me. It took me a lot less time to stop picking at my pinky, it took a matter of months rather than 2 years.
Singing a Song That Brings a Smile
Once I moved on to my next finger I added to my breathing technique. If I was having a hard time and breathing deeply just wasn’t doing the trick I would, in my head or out loud, breathe and sing the cheesiest song I could think of. It is really hard not to smile when singing, “My little buttercup has the sweetest smile…” And somehow the smile is usually foolproof. Smiling seems to relieve any tension that I tend to hold in my chest.
Taking a Break When Needed
About six months ago I tried working on my right thumb. Unfortunately I had a number of stressful occurrences that made it too hard to concentrate on NOT picking at my fingers. So, without beating myself up over it, I put it on hold until I felt ready again.
Cold Turkey
Now that I feel ready to get back on that non-picking horse, I’ve decided to try quitting cold turkey on the last 3 fingers. The one problem I had in taking it one finger at a time is that the fingers I wasn’t working on at the time really suffered the brunt of the picking. And I’m done with the picking. All the recovery I’ve worked on has given me some tools to work with and I just don’t need to pick at my fingers anymore.
I’ve been working on my last fingers for the past two weeks and so far, so good. It is hard but I’m trying to remember to breathe and sing about my little Buttercup. She has the sweetest smile and the most perfect fingers (I know, that was cheesy).
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