One of the things I did in my recovery was to discard my last name, the surname of my abusive father.
Choosing my new last name wasn’t an easy, split second decision for me. I wanted my name to mean something. So I spent something like six months, looking into the meaning and symbolism of colors, stones, elements, first names, and last names. My closest circle of friends (who felt like family and later became so through marriage) bought and loaned me books for inspiration, like a book of angel names and one on mythology. Some friends read through the phone book with me, while I made note of those names that caught my attention.
Over the months I made a list of possible names and said my name out loud with those possiblities, scratching out the ones that just didn’t feel right.
I went through a long list of names before I found the name, Ma’at, in a book of mythology.
Ma’at is the Egyptian goddess of justice, order, balance, and truth. In fact, in the Egyptian Book of the Dead, her name is the word “truth.” Ma’at is present in the beginning and end. In the afterlife, the deceased’s heart is weighed against a red feather (Ma’at’s symbol). And to begin creation Ra set Ma’at out in the middle of chaos as a light.
As soon as I read about Ma’at and said the name out loud, it felt as comfortable as slipping into bed between freshly cleaned sheets, under blankets still warm from the dryer.
When I was standing in front of the judge on the day he said my name was legally Monica Anne Ma’at, I stood there disbelieving.
I asked, “Ma’at’s my name? Do I ever have to answer to *****? If I fill out some paperwork that asks for my maiden name do I have to put down *****?”
He smiled and said I never had to write or say that name ever again. I cried.
To this day, when I get mail with my name spelled correctly, including that apostrophe that is so foreign to so many, I smile.
When people ask me again and again to pronounce my last name, “Ma” “ought,” just so they can say it correctly, I feel pride.
And when I got married I did not replace my name with his, I added his to mine. I was not willing to give up something I had earned; a name for myself, for me as an individual, not attached to anyone else.
Choosing my new last name wasn’t an easy, split second decision for me. I wanted my name to mean something. So I spent something like six months, looking into the meaning and symbolism of colors, stones, elements, first names, and last names. My closest circle of friends (who felt like family and later became so through marriage) bought and loaned me books for inspiration, like a book of angel names and one on mythology. Some friends read through the phone book with me, while I made note of those names that caught my attention.
Over the months I made a list of possible names and said my name out loud with those possiblities, scratching out the ones that just didn’t feel right.
I went through a long list of names before I found the name, Ma’at, in a book of mythology.
Ma’at is the Egyptian goddess of justice, order, balance, and truth. In fact, in the Egyptian Book of the Dead, her name is the word “truth.” Ma’at is present in the beginning and end. In the afterlife, the deceased’s heart is weighed against a red feather (Ma’at’s symbol). And to begin creation Ra set Ma’at out in the middle of chaos as a light.
As soon as I read about Ma’at and said the name out loud, it felt as comfortable as slipping into bed between freshly cleaned sheets, under blankets still warm from the dryer.
When I was standing in front of the judge on the day he said my name was legally Monica Anne Ma’at, I stood there disbelieving.
I asked, “Ma’at’s my name? Do I ever have to answer to *****? If I fill out some paperwork that asks for my maiden name do I have to put down *****?”
He smiled and said I never had to write or say that name ever again. I cried.
To this day, when I get mail with my name spelled correctly, including that apostrophe that is so foreign to so many, I smile.
When people ask me again and again to pronounce my last name, “Ma” “ought,” just so they can say it correctly, I feel pride.
And when I got married I did not replace my name with his, I added his to mine. I was not willing to give up something I had earned; a name for myself, for me as an individual, not attached to anyone else.
Monica – Latin for “advisor”
Anne – Hebrew for “gracious”
Ma’at – Egyptian for “truth,” justice, order, balance, and a light in chaos. Truth reminds me that I no longer need to keep abuse a secret. And while my life used to feel chaotic, I now have the tools and resources I need to create balance and order within my own life.
Crook – English for a sheppard’s staff or a bend, as in a river. It symbolizes the love I have for my husband and for his family.
My name is valuable to me. It is a name free from the sins of my father. It has meaning for me. It is my own.
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