This black and white mentality that the world is populated by two kinds of people, good and evil, omits the reality of shades of gray and multiple hues of color. This detrimental belief puts blinders on those confronted with a perpetrator, hurts victims, and puts people in danger of abuse.
Puts People In Danger
Possibly the most dangerous consequence of the blind belief in “bad guys” is that it puts people in danger of being abused, of becoming victims. When we tell our children to stay away from strangers, we are only preparing them for 20% of the danger.
73% of sexual assault perpetrators and 77% of murderers were relatives, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, lovers, and neighbors to their victims.
“Bad guys” don’t necessarily wear black. They may have kind faces, a clean haircut, and fresh breath. They are policemen, accountants, homemakers, and gardeners. In fact, every child molester, domestic violence perpetrator, serial killer, and kidnapper is someone’s child, sibling, parent, neighbor, best-friend, and co-worker.
Blinds Those Confronted With a Perpetrator
These perpetrators have touched other people’s lives and that touch was not always harmful. And maybe those they did hurt found parts of their relationship pleasant and moments in their lives together enjoyable.
Now don't get me wrong, knowing that these perpetrators are not 100% evil and are indeed capable of kindness should not diminish the wrong that was perpetrated. But equally so, knowing that someone is capable of kindness should not diminish the possibility that they are capable of harm.
In the case of my own father, he was a valuable member of the military, he is a pillar of the community and an ever attentive friend. Even though he is an abusive alcoholic who beat his wife and children, even though he molested me for the first 18 years of my life, I still loved him as a father. I still delighted in going for boat rides with him. I still giggled and responded when he said “See ya’ later alligator.” After my parents divorce, I told all my high school friends that I was going to live with my dad after graduation and go to college near him.
After graduation I didn’t move in with him. Instead, a few years later, I called the sheriff’s department and told them about the molest.
When family-friends heard about the molest they said they couldn’t believe it. The love that they saw me show toward my father, the kindness he had shown to friends and the community made it impossible for them to believe he could do anything as harmful as molesting his own daughter.
Hurts Victims
While it was hurtful, hearing friends I had grown up with, not allowing themselves to believe my father had molested me, I was at an age and point in my life where I could see their point of view. Not only were they my friends, they were also friends of my father. Had it been just a short time before, I would not have been so prepared.
Even though I understood their doubt, it still hurt. I lost one of my oldest support groups.
On the flip side of the coin, other victims may tell their story and hear from the listener, “Bastard!” Such a comment, that the perpetrator is bad, evil, a “bastard,” omits the love the survivor may feel for the perpetrator. To the victim, “Bastard” may feel like an attack against their father, uncle, mother, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or grandparent.
A more helpful approach would be to just listen to the survivor, judgment free.
And rather than looking out for that mysterious stranger, rather than assigning a single (and often incorrect) face to perpetrators, we could truely prepare ourselves and our children.
By arming ourselves with information
Setting boundaries
And recognizing and allowing ourselves to get help when needed
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