Taboo: Talking About Abuse

“I was on campus yesterday, when someone yanked me around a corner, held a knife to my face, and stole my backpack with all my money.”

If this were your friend, chances are you would know exactly what to say. You would listen whole heartedly to your friend, you might ask if the police were called, if your friend needed any support, and possibly suggest some counseling for such a traumatic event. It would probably never cross your mind that your friend could be to blame. They didn’t choose to be grabbed, threatened, robbed, and become the victim of a crime.

Well sexual abuse and domestic violence are traumatic criminal events, too.

Then why is it that so many of us shutdown when someone else talks about abuse?

Why is it that so few victims ever tell the police, or anyone for that matter?

Why is it that so few organizations exist in our communities to speak out, to offer help to those abused, to educate our authorities and the rest of our community?

One answer to all these questions is…
...Because talking about abuse is taboo.

There are at least two main problems with the taboo against talking about abuse.

It reduces awareness.
It harms the victim.

1. It reduces awareness.

Reduced Awareness - Reduces the Number of Services

A lack of awareness reduces the number of services for those abused.
You may be able to name at least one or two organizations in your area helping domestic violence victims but what about for the sexual abuse victims of rape and molest?

I looked into San Diego, California, a city with a population of 2,933,462. In all of San Diego, I found…

• 1 sexual abuse twelve-step group (which appears to be just beginning and is not yet registered).
  
• 1 organization to specifically help those who have been raped, molested, and even domestic violence victims.
  
• About 10 private counselors specializing in sexual abuse
  
  That’s about 300,000 San Diegans for every 1 counselor.
  Wouldn’t you think a place as big as San Diego would have more to offer? Especially when you consider these statistics.
  
  • In 2004-2005, there were an average annual 200,780 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.
    
  • Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
    

Reduced Awareness - Reduces Education

A lack of facilities to offer victim’s services also reduces education, and that lack of education helps to create more victims and perpetrators.
In a survey of college students

• 1 out of 12 men admitted to committing acts that met the legal definition of rape
  
• But 84% of these men said what they did was DEFINITELY not rape.
  

2. It is harmful to the victims.

Harm – The Abuse Continues

If the victim feels talking about abuse is wrong and never divulges the abuse, it allows the perpetrator to continue abusing the same person and/or abusing others.

• 84% of rapes go unreported
  
• 85% - 98% of domestic violence cases go unreported
  

Harm – The Abuse Festers Inside

If the victim doesn’t have anyone they feel comfortable enough talking to, the abuse festers inside and will come out in ways harmful to the victim and/or harmful to those around the victim.

As a victim of abuse, I saw this everyday of my life before I finally found friends and ultimately an organization I could talk to and work with.

Just a few examples of how keeping abuse a secret was damaging are…

• I pushed the stress of my abuse inside and just as I relaxed enough to fall asleep I would be hit with horrible stomachaches, keeping me up most of or all night.
  
• When I was younger, like 5 to 12 years old, I used to pull the hair out from the top of my head. I still have a numb spot on the top of my head.
  
• I held a lot of anger inside and, without warning, would periodically explode with rage directed at those I felt had wronged me. Typically they were situations where anger would have been appropriate but my reaction was far from appropriate.
  

Harm – Blaming the Victim

The taboo against talking about abuse puts blame on the victim for speaking out or keeps them from talking about it because they are made to feel speaking about abuse is wrong.

The listener might say, “Don’t tell me that! It’s private!”
The listener may make faces like they are extremely uncomfortable.
The listener may change the subject.
The listener might say, “That’s awful! I don’t want to hear about such awful things!”

These responses and reactions put the blame on the victim.

So, why would a listener feel uncomfortable?

• It may be that they try to empathize, imagining it happening to themselves as the person talks about it.
  
• Maybe it hits too close to home because they or a loved one was abused.
  
• Maybe they feel incapable of helping, they don’t know what to say or do.
  
• Maybe it’s because they think sexual abuse is about sex and is a private act.
  

These are understandable reasons but understanding the reasons doesn’t make them any less harmful.

If someone is disclosing domestic violence or sexual abuse to you, break the taboo by trying the following.

• If you find yourself empathizing
  
  • try to remind yourself this isn’t about you.
    
• If you find it hits too close to home
  
  • Try to understand how important and healing it is for this person to talk about it, even though you may not want to talk about your own experience with abuse.
    
• If you don’t know what to say or do
  
  • Try just listening. You don’t need to say anything.
    
  • Let your reactions and facial expressions show you are listening.
    
• If you think sexual abuse is about sex.
  
  • Remember, sex is consensual
    
  • Sexual abuse is a crime, which uses a sexual act to gain power over another person.
    
  • It’s more about power than the sexual act.
    
• Refer the person to a professional who can help.
  
  • Survivors of Incest Anonymous, a 12-step group
    
  • RAINN, Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
    
  • National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
    
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline
    
  • Find a local organization or counselor through the internet or phone directory.
    

Anyone can break the taboo against talking about abuse.

• You can break the taboo by being a helpful listener.
  
• You can bring awareness by being willing to talk about it if the subject comes up.
  
• You can bring awareness by volunteering your time, money, or supplies to a local, national, or global organization.
  

The more people break the taboo, the weaker the taboo becomes and the less harm it inflicts.