Alcohol Does Not Make an Abuser

Ok, it's been a while since I've written but I have a good reason. On my spare days, the days I designate for writing and job hunting, I have been training as a volunteer speaker. If you know anything about me you might say, "But Monica you already are a volunteer speaker!" Yes, but I've extended my venues. I've been training to speak at public schools, colleges, the community, and other non-profit groups through CCS's Speaker's Bureau.

Which brings me to the title of my entry, "Alcohol Does Not Make an Abuser."

While talking to 8th graders about relationship violence they were asked if alcohol makes people violent.

Some said "Yes."

Me: Hum, well does everyone who drinks get mean?

Them: "No."

Me: Some people get silly, goofy, sad, etc. If alcohol is what makes people mean then everyone would get mean when they drank.

(My husband's mom gave a perfect analogy, which I gladly borrowed)...

Me: When you squeeze an orange what comes out?

Them: "Orange juice."

Me: Right! So when someone gets drunk what comes out is what is inside them. If someone is sad, sadness comes out, if someone is happy, happiness comes out. If someone is angry and hurtful, anger and hurtful actions will come out.

So this got me thinking about my father who, during my childhood, was a physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive alcoholic.

I once asked him why he abused me and he said he didn't remember, that he was an alcoholic then but if he did do such a thing he deserved to go to jail or worse.

I have thought about this statement before. I realize there is something wrong with it on so many levels but talking to those kids about squeezing orange juice got me thinking about his blame of alcohol.

Yes my father was (and may still be) an alcoholic. I will always associate the smokey-yeast smell of alcohol and cigarettes with him. But when we were out in public he didn't hit or yell at me, my mom, or my brothers. When we were around other people he didn't touch me inappropriately.

Why?

Because even when he was drunk, he still knew right from wrong. He knew there would be concequences if he were abusive to his children in front of others.

So, no. Alcohol does not MAKE people abusive. Anger and abuse were inside my father the whole time, he didn't drink it in. He just waited until we got home before he hit his wife and children. He waited until everyone was asleep before he molested me.

Why?

Because he had confidence that he could get away with it. He had been shown time and time again that we would keep the abuse secret.

And, most importantly, he was an abusive person on the inside and abuse is what came out.