Before I really started my recovery, I recognized that some of my behaviors were not helpful to me. But I just didn’t know how to stop myself from doing them and I didn’t know how to do things differently.The behaviors were ones I had learned during my dysfunctional childhood. Some were coping mechanisms, some were behaviors I learned by watching my parents.
One of these behaviors was defensiveness.
As the oldest child in a DV household, dealing with alcoholism and abuse, I was often blamed for things I didn’t do. The helplessness I felt in these situations developed into defensiveness over the years, which definitely is not a good trait to carry into adulthood. My defensiveness would rear its ugly head on a variety of occasions but the most memorable times were when I started a new job. In those moments the uselessness of this behavior would become quite evident.
As a new employee none of us can know everything right off the bat and as humans we all make mistakes. But when someone would critique my job performance or technique I would get defensive; my face would burn, my heart would race, and I would make excuses as to why I didn’t do it right. I would get defensive when it was probable that I had never been told how to do it correctly before that moment or I may have simply forgotten. And after getting defensive I would feel guilty for not doing it right but, more than that, I would also feel guilty for getting defensive about it.
I first learned how to change unwanted behaviors from one of my first resources to recovery, 12-step groups. Every time I worked on my 12-steps I always used it in context with my abuse. And when I came to the 4th through 10th steps I immediately recognized how I could use these steps to change unwanted behaviors.
One list of the 12 steps can be found here.
Note: If the word “God” bothers you, the beauty of 12-step programs is that the word “God” represents the “God of your understanding.” “God” can be the Christian God, Buddha, Allah, yourself, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever your belief or non-belief system is.
I still use the following steps, to this day, when dealing with unwanted behaviors. Below I give two examples of how these steps worked. One example is how I used the steps to change my defensive behavior. The second example is from when I was a speech tutor, dealing with students who wanted to change a repetitive action, in order to improve their performance. I chose these two examples to illustrate how these steps work with “the big things” and “the little things.”
1. Become aware of the behavior.
A behavior cannot be changed unless it is first recognized.
As a speech tutor I would listen to students practicing their speeches. One of the things I made note of in their performance was the number of times they said filler words, like “Um.” Usually the student would have no idea that they had said “Um.” And before they could work on cutting it from their vocabulary they needed to recognize it when they said it.
One way to achieve this was for them to practice their speech again and every time they said “Um” I would raise my hand. Simply raising my hand in turn raised their own awareness and tuned their ear to the word “Um.” The next time I saw them, without fail, they would comment on how they could hear themselves saying “Um” all the time now, even in their everyday conversations.
In the case of my defensiveness what brought my awareness was the guilt I felt every time I became defensive.
2. Understand the behavior.
Understand why it is no longer useful or helpful. Understand why it is harmful or inappropriate. Part of understanding the behavior may include examining the past to learn why the behavior is done, what triggers it, or when it first started. Consider what would be a more healthy alternative to the behavior.
In the case of the student saying “Um,” the uselessness lies in the fact that too many filler words distract from the speech and make it sound as if the speaker does not have confidence or credibility. What usually triggers an “Um” is nervousness or it could be that an “Um” is used while the speaker is trying to form a complete idea in their head. Rather than saying “Um” a silent pause is better.
The reason my defensiveness was useless, harmful, and inappropriate was because it caused me and the other person stress. Getting defensive is a purely emotional response and halts effective communication. When I was defensive I could no longer “hear” what the other person was saying. And making excuses for myself not only showed a lack of self-confidence, my guilt and embarrassment also lower my confidence even further. I decided a healthier behavior was to quietly listen to what the person was saying, to ask questions if any of their instructions were unclear, and accept the critique for what it was; a helpful suggestion and not a judgment on me. If it was intended as a judgment, I wanted the self-confidence to not care.
3. Be ready to do whatever it takes to change the behavior.
This is a critical step because without this commitment the change may not be long-lasting or even possible.
4. Apologize.
Anytime I was defensive toward someone I went back to that person and apologized. This is a really hard and humbling thing to do but a very important step to take.
The apology makes me take responsibility and be accountable for my actions. It also adds a negative reinforcement to whatever positives I get from the behavior. But it also helped because the more times I apologized, the less time it took between the moments that I become defensive and the moment that I recognized the defensiveness. Pretty soon I was able to recognize my feelings before I acted on them, thus stopping the defensiveness before it happened.
For a behavior like saying “Um” apologizing may just mean making a verbal recognition that the word was said, “Oh man! I said ‘Um’ again.” Although in an actual performance a verbal recognition of a mistake is not a good idea; it takes away from credibility. So after saying “Um” a pause to collect the thoughts and calm the nerves would work better.
In other words, step 4 can be altered depending on the type of behavior. But for myself I know how well apologizing works in cases that could have possibly caused harm or discomfort to another, even if it’s just a minor stress that they didn’t even recognize or remember.
5. Repeat.
To reinforce change, the change must be repeated again and again.
1. Become aware of the behavior.
2. Understand the behavior.
3. Be ready to do whatever it takes to change the behavior.
4. Apologize.
5. Repeat.
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