Friday, June 29, 2007

What I Need In A Partner

Part of my recovery includes having a healthy relationship. When I met the man, who would later become my husband, neither one of us was perfect. However we were both willing to improve ourselves, for our own benefit (which in turn helped our relationship).

Looking back at my life from the beginning to now, I can see some of the behaviors and attitudes that have been helpful to me as an abuse survivor and as a partner. I can see the behaviors and attitudes that I need from a partner in order to share a healthy relationship.


I need a partner who is willing to participate in open, honest, and kind communication

I need a partner who sees me as an equal

I need a partner who understands that I am responsible for my own actions

I need a partner who respects me and my boundaries, and sets their own boundaries

I need a partner who understands that sometimes the most helpful thing to do is just listen

I need a partner who understands that the effects of my abuse are not about them; nothing about my abuse is their fault

I need a partner who understands the value of getting help (counseling, self-help, etc) and is willing to get help for themselves when they feel they need it

I need
to be just as trusting and supportive of my partner as they are of me (that includes holding myself to the above “needs”)

My husband adds:

“The thing about this list is that it was not preconceived. That is to say that our needs were discovered as our relationship grew. Our relationship allowed room for exploration and change. This learning process continues to this day. And I hope that it never ends. I hope that we never have a complete list of what we need. Because when we stop trying to improve then we will start to regress.”

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