Been a Long Time

Yep it's been that long.

I guess I have been back since I got my full-time, paying job as a prevention educator/public speaker. I speak about sexual assault, abusive relationships, healthy relationships, consent and boundaries, and self defense.

I started writing this blog because those were topics I felt didn't get talked about enough. And I had every intention of coming back to this blog when I got comfortable in my job. But I just didn't come back, till recently. I've been comfortable but I think my job fit that need for disclosure and discussion on a taboo topic.

I'm back now. I feel like writing this blog can be a form of self-care for me. And I plan to start logging in more posts.

Why Is This Harmful to Men and Women?

"You throw like a girl."

"Don't be such a girl!"'

Religion

I have had people ask me how my experience with abuse affected my religious beliefs. And I am usually hesitant about responding.

We all know religion is one of those topics that, like politics, can spark resentment, defensivness, and anger. No two people can believe exactly the same thing when it comes to religion, even if they are members of the same religious group. And what beliefs work for one person are not necessarily going to be believable by another.

But I do recognize that my experiences have affected my beliefs. I am not willing to go into depth about my beliefs but I am willing to touch on one main thought that helped to greatly shape my beliefs.

"God had a purpose for what happened to you"

"Everything happens for a reason."

I have a great loathing for these sayings. Even before I knew why, I despised them.

It took me a while to figure out why these sayings made me uneasy. But here it is in a nutshell...

I cannont accept that any omnipotent being, any god or God, would knowingly, willingly cause harm to an innocent child (or adult for that matter). No creator would use sexual, physical, or emotional abuse for any greater cause or means to an end.

Those sayings take the responsibility off my father and place the responsibility in the hands of a higher power. By saying God was involved, it is saying that my father was not the one who raped me or verbally, emotionally, physically abused me and my family. It was God's will.

NO!

My father abused us because he chose to take advantage of the trust that his daughter, wife, and sons had in him. He chose to take advantage of the authority he had as a father and husband.

There was no great, higher purpose to the abuse. My father's purpose was the only purpose present; the purpose to lord power and control over another human being.

The reason abuse happens is because one human being made the choice to abuse.

Simple as that.

Selt Care 01

Recently I went on a Self Care Adventure.

First I got accupuncture-d. And as he was sticking me with needles in I thought, "What am I doing, I hate needles!" And even though in the end I decided accupuncture is not for me, I have to admit (after I got over the fear) I did feel relaxed.

After the accupuncture I lounged and meandered around a park. There's nothing quite as satisfying as sitting in damp grass, watching preschool-aged children clumsily discover the world while old homeless men play card games on the fringe of the park.

A few days later my husband, Tyler, and I got hot stone messages together. Oh my! I am sold on the hot stone message! Having never gotten a message neither one of us knew what to expect. But it felt so nice being pampered AND uber relaxing. We were jello for the rest of the day.

Tyler and I also went up to the mountains for leasurly walks and bat watching at night (I love bats). Paying so much attention to nature somehow feels like I'm paying attention to myself.

While I'm talking about self care, I want to add one more thing I like to do, for myself. If you have never been to the blog, Cute Overload, I highly suggest it. If ever you're feeling down, gotten sick of seeing all the bad news on the news, or had a horrible day at work, Cute Overload will put a smile on your face and an electric blanket lovingly around your heart.

Life Changes Pt 3

If you have read any of my previous blogs you know that I legally changed my last name.

Well for quite some time, I've noticed that when I see my full name written out, in my head I've been saying simply, "Ma'at." And when I gave that some time and thought, I realized that I feel like Ma'at and not Monica. Ma'at is the name I would prefer people to call me.

So when CCS hired me and I came to the "Employee Information" paperwork with the question that asked, "What would you prefer to be called?" I decided to write "Ma'at."

That was 9 months ago and since then everyone at work has been so great! Everyone calls me Ma'at. When I told my non-work friends about this, they have all been so great about calling me Ma'at.

My mother-in-law says it's like I've been giving birth to a new me all these years and finally Ma'at is here. I feel like there is truth in that.

Life Changes part 2

I've been volunteering for some time at the Center for Community Solutions as a speaker. At first I was speaking to CCS's volunteers about my experience with abuse. But this past summer I volunteered for thier speaker's bureau. This expanded my venues. Not only did I speak at the trainings but also at schools, the community, and even a juvinile facility.

While working at Ralphs I was able to stock the shelves at night and then do presentations and tabling events about once a week.

Then three months ago CCS offered me a paid speaker position in thier Prevention and Education department. For five years I dreamed of making speaking out against abuse my career. It is my passion.

I quit Ralphs that day.

Life Changes part 1

It has been quite some time since I have written a blog entry. Since July my life has gone through many changes, so many changes I'm going to write about them in three installments.

At the time of my last few blogs I was working as a bagger at a grocery store within walking distance from my house. I considered it a temporary yet convenient way to get paid while I looked for a better job. My schedule was erratic, having no continuity from week to week or even day to day.

Then in August they offered me a position with a steadier schedule, requiring organization skills, and times when I would be working alone. It sounded so much better than the bagger position, so with a few reservations I took the job. I became General Merchandiser of the Health and Beauty aisle-ie: Night Stocker. My workday started at 2am and ended anywhere between 8am and 11am.

After work I would eat "lunch" while most people were just getting to breakfast. Then I would hop into bed for a 5hr "nap." Around that time my husband would get home from work. We would spend time together, usually making dinner. Then it was time to go back to bed for another 3hrs so I could go back to work at 2.

The job worked well for working my volunteer jobs. If I needed to volunteer I just sacraficed some sleep or planned my day a little differently.

But from the beginning something was wrong. The obvious problems were the shitty pay, and the unhappiness of co-workers, managers, and customers. But the biggest problem was my lack of "Me" time. I felt like I was doing two things with my life; I was sleeping my days away and working my nights away. With all the sleeping and working where was I going to find time for myself? I was just trying to figure that out when another change in my life happened.

The rest of the story coming soon...

The Person I am Today

The abuse did not make me the person I am today.
What I did with my life, despite the abuse,
What I did to better myself,
That is what has made me the person I am today.

What I Need In A Partner

Part of my recovery includes having a healthy relationship. When I met the man, who would later become my husband, neither one of us was perfect. However we were both willing to improve ourselves, for our own benefit (which in turn helped our relationship).

Looking back at my life from the beginning to now, I can see some of the behaviors and attitudes that have been helpful to me as an abuse survivor and as a partner. I can see the behaviors and attitudes that I need from a partner in order to share a healthy relationship.

I need a partner who is willing to participate in open, honest, and kind communication

I need a partner who sees me as an equal

I need a partner who understands that I am responsible for my own actions

I need a partner who respects me and my boundaries, and sets their own boundaries

I need a partner who understands that sometimes the most helpful thing to do is just listen

I need a partner who understands that the effects of my abuse are not about them; nothing about my abuse is their fault

I need a partner who understands the value of getting help (counseling, self-help, etc) and is willing to get help for themselves when they feel they need it

I need to be just as trusting and supportive of my partner as they are of me (that includes holding myself to the above “needs”)

My husband adds:

“The thing about this list is that it was not preconceived. That is to say that our needs were discovered as our relationship grew. Our relationship allowed room for exploration and change. This learning process continues to this day. And I hope that it never ends. I hope that we never have a complete list of what we need. Because when we stop trying to improve then we will start to regress.”

Effects and Recovery #3: Changing Behavior

Before I really started my recovery, I recognized that some of my behaviors were not helpful to me. But I just didn’t know how to stop myself from doing them and I didn’t know how to do things differently.

The behaviors were ones I had learned during my dysfunctional childhood. Some were coping mechanisms, some were behaviors I learned by watching my parents.

One of these behaviors was defensiveness.

As the oldest child in a DV household, dealing with alcoholism and abuse, I was often blamed for things I didn’t do. The helplessness I felt in these situations developed into defensiveness over the years, which definitely is not a good trait to carry into adulthood. My defensiveness would rear its ugly head on a variety of occasions but the most memorable times were when I started a new job. In those moments the uselessness of this behavior would become quite evident.

As a new employee none of us can know everything right off the bat and as humans we all make mistakes. But when someone would critique my job performance or technique I would get defensive; my face would burn, my heart would race, and I would make excuses as to why I didn’t do it right. I would get defensive when it was probable that I had never been told how to do it correctly before that moment or I may have simply forgotten. And after getting defensive I would feel guilty for not doing it right but, more than that, I would also feel guilty for getting defensive about it.

I first learned how to change unwanted behaviors from one of my first resources to recovery, 12-step groups. Every time I worked on my 12-steps I always used it in context with my abuse. And when I came to the 4th through 10th steps I immediately recognized how I could use these steps to change unwanted behaviors.

One list of the 12 steps can be found here.

Note: If the word “God” bothers you, the beauty of 12-step programs is that the word “God” represents the “God of your understanding.” “God” can be the Christian God, Buddha, Allah, yourself, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever your belief or non-belief system is.


I still use the following steps, to this day, when dealing with unwanted behaviors. Below I give two examples of how these steps worked. One example is how I used the steps to change my defensive behavior. The second example is from when I was a speech tutor, dealing with students who wanted to change a repetitive action, in order to improve their performance. I chose these two examples to illustrate how these steps work with “the big things” and “the little things.”



1. Become aware of the behavior.

A behavior cannot be changed unless it is first recognized.

As a speech tutor I would listen to students practicing their speeches. One of the things I made note of in their performance was the number of times they said filler words, like “Um.” Usually the student would have no idea that they had said “Um.” And before they could work on cutting it from their vocabulary they needed to recognize it when they said it.

One way to achieve this was for them to practice their speech again and every time they said “Um” I would raise my hand. Simply raising my hand in turn raised their own awareness and tuned their ear to the word “Um.” The next time I saw them, without fail, they would comment on how they could hear themselves saying “Um” all the time now, even in their everyday conversations.

In the case of my defensiveness what brought my awareness was the guilt I felt every time I became defensive.

2. Understand the behavior.

Understand why it is no longer useful or helpful. Understand why it is harmful or inappropriate. Part of understanding the behavior may include examining the past to learn why the behavior is done, what triggers it, or when it first started. Consider what would be a more healthy alternative to the behavior.

In the case of the student saying “Um,” the uselessness lies in the fact that too many filler words distract from the speech and make it sound as if the speaker does not have confidence or credibility. What usually triggers an “Um” is nervousness or it could be that an “Um” is used while the speaker is trying to form a complete idea in their head. Rather than saying “Um” a silent pause is better.

The reason my defensiveness was useless, harmful, and inappropriate was because it caused me and the other person stress. Getting defensive is a purely emotional response and halts effective communication. When I was defensive I could no longer “hear” what the other person was saying. And making excuses for myself not only showed a lack of self-confidence, my guilt and embarrassment also lower my confidence even further. I decided a healthier behavior was to quietly listen to what the person was saying, to ask questions if any of their instructions were unclear, and accept the critique for what it was; a helpful suggestion and not a judgment on me. If it was intended as a judgment, I wanted the self-confidence to not care.

3. Be ready to do whatever it takes to change the behavior.

This is a critical step because without this commitment the change may not be long-lasting or even possible.

4. Apologize.

Anytime I was defensive toward someone I went back to that person and apologized. This is a really hard and humbling thing to do but a very important step to take.

The apology makes me take responsibility and be accountable for my actions. It also adds a negative reinforcement to whatever positives I get from the behavior. But it also helped because the more times I apologized, the less time it took between the moments that I become defensive and the moment that I recognized the defensiveness. Pretty soon I was able to recognize my feelings before I acted on them, thus stopping the defensiveness before it happened.

For a behavior like saying “Um” apologizing may just mean making a verbal recognition that the word was said, “Oh man! I said ‘Um’ again.” Although in an actual performance a verbal recognition of a mistake is not a good idea; it takes away from credibility. So after saying “Um” a pause to collect the thoughts and calm the nerves would work better.

In other words, step 4 can be altered depending on the type of behavior. But for myself I know how well apologizing works in cases that could have possibly caused harm or discomfort to another, even if it’s just a minor stress that they didn’t even recognize or remember.

5. Repeat.

To reinforce change, the change must be repeated again and again.

1. Become aware of the behavior.
2. Understand the behavior.
3. Be ready to do whatever it takes to change the behavior.
4. Apologize.
5. Repeat.

Life As a Doormat

Living life as a doormat and putting others before yourself is not noble, it is a petry dish for abuse.

Effects and Recovery #2: Changing My Name

One of the things I did in my recovery was to discard my last name, the surname of my abusive father.

Choosing my new last name wasn’t an easy, split second decision for me. I wanted my name to mean something. So I spent something like six months, looking into the meaning and symbolism of colors, stones, elements, first names, and last names. My closest circle of friends (who felt like family and later became so through marriage) bought and loaned me books for inspiration, like a book of angel names and one on mythology. Some friends read through the phone book with me, while I made note of those names that caught my attention.

Over the months I made a list of possible names and said my name out loud with those possiblities, scratching out the ones that just didn’t feel right.


I went through a long list of names before I found the name, Ma’at, in a book of mythology.

Ma’at is the Egyptian goddess of justice, order, balance, and truth. In fact, in the Egyptian Book of the Dead, her name is the word “truth.” Ma’at is present in the beginning and end. In the afterlife, the deceased’s heart is weighed against a red feather (Ma’at’s symbol). And to begin creation Ra set Ma’at out in the middle of chaos as a light.

As soon as I read about Ma’at and said the name out loud, it felt as comfortable as slipping into bed between freshly cleaned sheets, under blankets still warm from the dryer.


When I was standing in front of the judge on the day he said my name was legally Monica Anne Ma’at, I stood there disbelieving.

I asked, “Ma’at’s my name? Do I ever have to answer to *****? If I fill out some paperwork that asks for my maiden name do I have to put down *****?”

He smiled and said I never had to write or say that name ever again. I cried.


To this day, when I get mail with my name spelled correctly, including that apostrophe that is so foreign to so many, I smile.

When people ask me again and again to pronounce my last name, “Ma” “ought,” just so they can say it correctly, I feel pride.

And when I got married I did not replace my name with his, I added his to mine. I was not willing to give up something I had earned; a name for myself, for me as an individual, not attached to anyone else.

Monica – Latin for “advisor”
Anne – Hebrew for “gracious”
Ma’at – Egyptian for “truth,” justice, order, balance, and a light in chaos. Truth reminds me that I no longer need to keep abuse a secret. And while my life used to feel chaotic, I now have the tools and resources I need to create balance and order within my own life.
Crook – English for a sheppard’s staff or a bend, as in a river. It symbolizes the love I have for my husband and for his family.

My name is valuable to me. It is a name free from the sins of my father. It has meaning for me. It is my own.

Alcohol Does Not Make an Abuser

Ok, it's been a while since I've written but I have a good reason. On my spare days, the days I designate for writing and job hunting, I have been training as a volunteer speaker. If you know anything about me you might say, "But Monica you already are a volunteer speaker!" Yes, but I've extended my venues. I've been training to speak at public schools, colleges, the community, and other non-profit groups through CCS's Speaker's Bureau.

Which brings me to the title of my entry, "Alcohol Does Not Make an Abuser."

While talking to 8th graders about relationship violence they were asked if alcohol makes people violent.

Some said "Yes."

Me: Hum, well does everyone who drinks get mean?

Them: "No."

Me: Some people get silly, goofy, sad, etc. If alcohol is what makes people mean then everyone would get mean when they drank.

(My husband's mom gave a perfect analogy, which I gladly borrowed)...

Me: When you squeeze an orange what comes out?

Them: "Orange juice."

Me: Right! So when someone gets drunk what comes out is what is inside them. If someone is sad, sadness comes out, if someone is happy, happiness comes out. If someone is angry and hurtful, anger and hurtful actions will come out.

So this got me thinking about my father who, during my childhood, was a physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive alcoholic.

I once asked him why he abused me and he said he didn't remember, that he was an alcoholic then but if he did do such a thing he deserved to go to jail or worse.

I have thought about this statement before. I realize there is something wrong with it on so many levels but talking to those kids about squeezing orange juice got me thinking about his blame of alcohol.

Yes my father was (and may still be) an alcoholic. I will always associate the smokey-yeast smell of alcohol and cigarettes with him. But when we were out in public he didn't hit or yell at me, my mom, or my brothers. When we were around other people he didn't touch me inappropriately.

Why?

Because even when he was drunk, he still knew right from wrong. He knew there would be concequences if he were abusive to his children in front of others.

So, no. Alcohol does not MAKE people abusive. Anger and abuse were inside my father the whole time, he didn't drink it in. He just waited until we got home before he hit his wife and children. He waited until everyone was asleep before he molested me.

Why?

Because he had confidence that he could get away with it. He had been shown time and time again that we would keep the abuse secret.

And, most importantly, he was an abusive person on the inside and abuse is what came out.

Effects and Recovery #1: Self-Mutilation (Conclusion)

On February 11th I wrote about self-mutilation and my struggle with picking at the skin around my nails. Previously I worked on making it a thing of the past by taking it one finger at a time. But almost two months ago I decided to quit cold turkey with the last three fingers that I still picked at.

Success!

I feel I can safely say that I no longer pick at my fingers. That survival mechanism from my past helped the child that I was live in the constant chaos of abuse. But it served me no good as an adult. And I am proud to say I no longer use it as relief from stress. I have much healthier habits at my disposal. Like...

Take a warm bath
Taking deep breaths
Leaving the stressful situation, if appropriate
Singing/humming a favorite song
Smiling
Talking about what is bothering me, out loud with someone I feel safe with
Playing video games, as a momentary escape
Cuddling and playing with my pets
Going to the beach

The list goes on and on. The key is for me to be kind to myself, doing my favorite things, as long as they do not harm me emotionally, mentally, or physically.

What I Need in a Counselor

One of the ways I sought recovery was to go to counseling. Whether I am going to group or individual counseling, over the years I’ve learned a few things about what I need from counseling in order to get the most from the experience.


I need to stand up for myself, establish my needs, and set my goals

Because I am the client

I need a counselor who doesn’t tell me what I should do

Because that’s called being controlling

I need a counselor who will listen to me and ask questions so I can come to my own answers

Because what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else

I need a counselor who understands the value of what they are doing and will get help for themselves when they need it

Because a counselor who never gets counseling, is like a dentist who never goes to the dentist

I need to move-on, to a new counselor or something else, once I feel I have gotten everything I can from the sessions

Self-Improvement

Without self-improvement, I sit in my own shit.

Monsters Do Not Exist

"We've been warned there are evil people in this world,” that bad guys always wear black, kidnappers; a waxed mustache, serial killers; a hockey mask, abusive partners; a stained undershirt, and child molesters always offer candy. They are the evil-doers, the bad guys, the lurking strangers.


This black and white mentality that the world is populated by two kinds of people, good and evil, omits the reality of shades of gray and multiple hues of color. This detrimental belief puts blinders on those confronted with a perpetrator, hurts victims, and puts people in danger of abuse.


Puts People In Danger
Possibly the most dangerous consequence of the blind belief in “bad guys” is that it puts people in danger of being abused, of becoming victims. When we tell our children to stay away from strangers, we are only preparing them for 20% of the danger.

73% of sexual assault perpetrators and 77% of murderers were relatives, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, lovers, and neighbors to their victims.

“Bad guys” don’t necessarily wear black. They may have kind faces, a clean haircut, and fresh breath. They are policemen, accountants, homemakers, and gardeners. In fact, every child molester, domestic violence perpetrator, serial killer, and kidnapper is someone’s child, sibling, parent, neighbor, best-friend, and co-worker.


Blinds Those Confronted With a Perpetrator
These perpetrators have touched other people’s lives and that touch was not always harmful. And maybe those they did hurt found parts of their relationship pleasant and moments in their lives together enjoyable.

Now don't get me wrong, knowing that these perpetrators are not 100% evil and are indeed capable of kindness should not diminish the wrong that was perpetrated. But equally so, knowing that someone is capable of kindness should not diminish the possibility that they are capable of harm.

In the case of my own father, he was a valuable member of the military, he is a pillar of the community and an ever attentive friend. Even though he is an abusive alcoholic who beat his wife and children, even though he molested me for the first 18 years of my life, I still loved him as a father. I still delighted in going for boat rides with him. I still giggled and responded when he said “See ya’ later alligator.” After my parents divorce, I told all my high school friends that I was going to live with my dad after graduation and go to college near him.

After graduation I didn’t move in with him. Instead, a few years later, I called the sheriff’s department and told them about the molest.

When family-friends heard about the molest they said they couldn’t believe it. The love that they saw me show toward my father, the kindness he had shown to friends and the community made it impossible for them to believe he could do anything as harmful as molesting his own daughter.


Hurts Victims
While it was hurtful, hearing friends I had grown up with, not allowing themselves to believe my father had molested me, I was at an age and point in my life where I could see their point of view. Not only were they my friends, they were also friends of my father. Had it been just a short time before, I would not have been so prepared.

Even though I understood their doubt, it still hurt. I lost one of my oldest support groups.

On the flip side of the coin, other victims may tell their story and hear from the listener, “Bastard!” Such a comment, that the perpetrator is bad, evil, a “bastard,” omits the love the survivor may feel for the perpetrator. To the victim, “Bastard” may feel like an attack against their father, uncle, mother, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or grandparent.

A more helpful approach would be to just listen to the survivor, judgment free.

And rather than looking out for that mysterious stranger, rather than assigning a single (and often incorrect) face to perpetrators, we could truely prepare ourselves and our children.


By arming ourselves with information

Rainn.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Setting boundaries

My body is my own

And it is ok if I say “No” to hugs or other physical contact.

And recognizing and allowing ourselves to get help when needed

Police

Counseling

Friends/Family

Effects and Recovery #1: Self-Mutilation

Self-mutilation sounds so drastic, so enormous, bigger than anything I would do to myself. So I thought.

Early in my journey toward recovery, when I saw in print, “Effect of abuse – Self-mutilation,” I thought of those secret “Cutters.” I pictured young teens sneaking behind closed doors with kitchen knives, anatomy class scalpels, and art department Xacto blades, compulsively slicing, slashing themselves for release. “That’s not me,” I egotistically thought, “I’m not doing anything that dramatic, I’m not hurting myself, it’s just a nervous habit.”

Even though I wasn’t cutting myself, I was still causing myself harm. And perhaps the reason it was so easy for me to imagine those teenagers was because I knew/know that feeling, like an itch that must be scratched, a need that if not fulfilled will cause my heart and head to burst in a fiery explosion, a feeling that some piece of my body did not belong and must be removed. In pulling the hair from the top of my head, I felt the tension and the release.

Even something as mundane as biting my nails I later realized was mutilation. Nail biting never stops at one bite, it’s never a clean cut, sometimes there is blood, an exposed nail bed, the splitting of the cuticles, and the compulsion.

Think about it, have you ever gone to bite your nail and then stopped yourself. That pesky fingernail and your two front teeth become magnetized, pulling toward each other, or maybe not. Maybe you can handle it. Maybe you just go about your day, sit in front of the TV, and get pulled into some mindless sitcom. But then the commercial comes on and where is your finger now? Your fingertip is sandwiched between your lips, your fingernail reduced to ground slivers, crushed by your molars and resting on your tongue.

It All Comes Down To Control
The hair pulling, the nail biting, they all come down to control. In my case, I had no control over my childhood environment but I could control what I did to my own body.

But for whatever reasons I stopped pulling my hair, I stopped biting my nails. There is one self-mutilation effect of abuse that I am still working on, to this day.

I Pick at the Skin Around My Nails

It’s not like this is tender, soft skin, no, this has been going on since childhood. This skin is calloused and in a constant state of flaking. It doesn’t hurt, in fact, as with the nail biting and even the hair pulling, peeling the skin from around my fingernails feels good. I get that feeling of release.

Recovery
I’ve been working on stopping this for a number of years and I’ve stopped picking at most of my fingers. I'm now down to 3 last fingers, my thumbs and my right pinky.

One Finger at a Time
At the time that I first decided to work on not picking at my fingers, working on them all at the same time was just too overwhelming. So I decided to work on only one finger at a time.

Trying Not to Bite Off More Than Can Be Chewed
Even though I decided to work on one finger at a time, I may have been trying to sabotage myself without realizing it. I chose my right index finger, the finger I picked at the most. It had been so damaged that the moon (lunala) of my nail was super exposed and the nail itself would grow thick and thin, thick and thin in inconcistant waves of thicknesses. As punny as it is, I really did feel like I had bit off more than I could chew. I kept backsliding, I was having a really hard time quitting. And because I wouldn’t pick a different finger to work on, it took me 2 years to quit picking at that finger.

Tape
In this early process I tried wrapping my fingertips in tape. Every time I looked at my fingers it reminded me of footage I had seen of a Michael Jackson concert. He had the same white bandage tape wrapped around his fingertips.

I think the tape helped. It did make it hard to get to the skin around my fingernails but it had one gross side effect; I got some type of fungus from all the moisture that couldn’t escape through the tape. Yuck! Once I took off the tape, no problem. My skin went from having a ring of red around my fingertips to a normal color by the next day. My skin did peel but by that time I was able to hold myself back from picking at it. After my finger healed, I felt like I had accomplished this big thing. I was proud of myself.

Breathing
When I started working on my next finger, my left pinky, I scrapped the tape idea. I decided when I felt the compulsion to pick at my pinky I would place each hand, palm down, on my lap. Then I would inhale deeply and exhale slowly until the need to pick passed. This worked well for me. It took me a lot less time to stop picking at my pinky, it took a matter of months rather than 2 years.

Singing a Song That Brings a Smile
Once I moved on to my next finger I added to my breathing technique. If I was having a hard time and breathing deeply just wasn’t doing the trick I would, in my head or out loud, breathe and sing the cheesiest song I could think of. It is really hard not to smile when singing, “My little buttercup has the sweetest smile…” And somehow the smile is usually foolproof. Smiling seems to relieve any tension that I tend to hold in my chest.

Taking a Break When Needed
About six months ago I tried working on my right thumb. Unfortunately I had a number of stressful occurrences that made it too hard to concentrate on NOT picking at my fingers. So, without beating myself up over it, I put it on hold until I felt ready again.

Cold Turkey
Now that I feel ready to get back on that non-picking horse, I’ve decided to try quitting cold turkey on the last 3 fingers. The one problem I had in taking it one finger at a time is that the fingers I wasn’t working on at the time really suffered the brunt of the picking. And I’m done with the picking. All the recovery I’ve worked on has given me some tools to work with and I just don’t need to pick at my fingers anymore.

I’ve been working on my last fingers for the past two weeks and so far, so good. It is hard but I’m trying to remember to breathe and sing about my little Buttercup. She has the sweetest smile and the most perfect fingers (I know, that was cheesy).

Taboo: Talking About Abuse

“I was on campus yesterday, when someone yanked me around a corner, held a knife to my face, and stole my backpack with all my money.”

If this were your friend, chances are you would know exactly what to say. You would listen whole heartedly to your friend, you might ask if the police were called, if your friend needed any support, and possibly suggest some counseling for such a traumatic event. It would probably never cross your mind that your friend could be to blame. They didn’t choose to be grabbed, threatened, robbed, and become the victim of a crime.

Well sexual abuse and domestic violence are traumatic criminal events, too.

Then why is it that so many of us shutdown when someone else talks about abuse?

Why is it that so few victims ever tell the police, or anyone for that matter?

Why is it that so few organizations exist in our communities to speak out, to offer help to those abused, to educate our authorities and the rest of our community?

One answer to all these questions is…
...Because talking about abuse is taboo.

There are at least two main problems with the taboo against talking about abuse.

It reduces awareness.
It harms the victim.

1. It reduces awareness.

Reduced Awareness - Reduces the Number of Services

A lack of awareness reduces the number of services for those abused.
You may be able to name at least one or two organizations in your area helping domestic violence victims but what about for the sexual abuse victims of rape and molest?

I looked into San Diego, California, a city with a population of 2,933,462. In all of San Diego, I found…

• 1 sexual abuse twelve-step group (which appears to be just beginning and is not yet registered).
  
• 1 organization to specifically help those who have been raped, molested, and even domestic violence victims.
  
• About 10 private counselors specializing in sexual abuse
  
  That’s about 300,000 San Diegans for every 1 counselor.
  Wouldn’t you think a place as big as San Diego would have more to offer? Especially when you consider these statistics.
  
  • In 2004-2005, there were an average annual 200,780 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.
    
  • Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
    

Reduced Awareness - Reduces Education

A lack of facilities to offer victim’s services also reduces education, and that lack of education helps to create more victims and perpetrators.
In a survey of college students

• 1 out of 12 men admitted to committing acts that met the legal definition of rape
  
• But 84% of these men said what they did was DEFINITELY not rape.
  

2. It is harmful to the victims.

Harm – The Abuse Continues

If the victim feels talking about abuse is wrong and never divulges the abuse, it allows the perpetrator to continue abusing the same person and/or abusing others.

• 84% of rapes go unreported
  
• 85% - 98% of domestic violence cases go unreported
  

Harm – The Abuse Festers Inside

If the victim doesn’t have anyone they feel comfortable enough talking to, the abuse festers inside and will come out in ways harmful to the victim and/or harmful to those around the victim.

As a victim of abuse, I saw this everyday of my life before I finally found friends and ultimately an organization I could talk to and work with.

Just a few examples of how keeping abuse a secret was damaging are…

• I pushed the stress of my abuse inside and just as I relaxed enough to fall asleep I would be hit with horrible stomachaches, keeping me up most of or all night.
  
• When I was younger, like 5 to 12 years old, I used to pull the hair out from the top of my head. I still have a numb spot on the top of my head.
  
• I held a lot of anger inside and, without warning, would periodically explode with rage directed at those I felt had wronged me. Typically they were situations where anger would have been appropriate but my reaction was far from appropriate.
  

Harm – Blaming the Victim

The taboo against talking about abuse puts blame on the victim for speaking out or keeps them from talking about it because they are made to feel speaking about abuse is wrong.

The listener might say, “Don’t tell me that! It’s private!”
The listener may make faces like they are extremely uncomfortable.
The listener may change the subject.
The listener might say, “That’s awful! I don’t want to hear about such awful things!”

These responses and reactions put the blame on the victim.

So, why would a listener feel uncomfortable?

• It may be that they try to empathize, imagining it happening to themselves as the person talks about it.
  
• Maybe it hits too close to home because they or a loved one was abused.
  
• Maybe they feel incapable of helping, they don’t know what to say or do.
  
• Maybe it’s because they think sexual abuse is about sex and is a private act.
  

These are understandable reasons but understanding the reasons doesn’t make them any less harmful.

If someone is disclosing domestic violence or sexual abuse to you, break the taboo by trying the following.

• If you find yourself empathizing
  
  • try to remind yourself this isn’t about you.
    
• If you find it hits too close to home
  
  • Try to understand how important and healing it is for this person to talk about it, even though you may not want to talk about your own experience with abuse.
    
• If you don’t know what to say or do
  
  • Try just listening. You don’t need to say anything.
    
  • Let your reactions and facial expressions show you are listening.
    
• If you think sexual abuse is about sex.
  
  • Remember, sex is consensual
    
  • Sexual abuse is a crime, which uses a sexual act to gain power over another person.
    
  • It’s more about power than the sexual act.
    
• Refer the person to a professional who can help.
  
  • Survivors of Incest Anonymous, a 12-step group
    
  • RAINN, Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
    
  • National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
    
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline
    
  • Find a local organization or counselor through the internet or phone directory.
    

Anyone can break the taboo against talking about abuse.

• You can break the taboo by being a helpful listener.
  
• You can bring awareness by being willing to talk about it if the subject comes up.
  
• You can bring awareness by volunteering your time, money, or supplies to a local, national, or global organization.
  

The more people break the taboo, the weaker the taboo becomes and the less harm it inflicts.